we tend to see the wind as nothing more than what blows through the trees...

Lightening as mear flashes across a dark sky...

And the roar of thunder only as a sound left behind.

When you add these ingrediants to a canoeing trip, and four crazy inlaws, you may discover an excitement

that only God could provide.

I decided to take a walk around town last Saturday, first to the park, where I had a beer and a cigarette.

Then to my best friends house, who happens to be my ex-mother-in-law.....

We had been experiencing scatterd thunderstormes and showers all week, but this day would be memorable.

Despite the storms in front of our face and the warnings on the radio we headed out anyway.

On the way to our drop-off spot we went through some pretty heavy down-poors, as well as some really clear

skies.

Canoes in the water, we headed down river. Enjoying the chance to get out like we so love to do, we were all giggles and the occasional redneck, yell out!

We made our jokes as the music was constantly inturrupted by the emergancy brodcast system, warning all dumb asses out on the river should head to shelter NOW.

Instead of panic, excitement hit in, along with a couple shots of adreniline.

As we fought against a wind trying to push us back up river, We smiled and youuuuu hooooed down a little further.

The sky grew darker and darker, and we faught even harder, with the rain on our faces, light flashing all around, and the extreme vibrations of the following thunder we strapped on for our 8 seconds of God's given rodeo.

One of my best canoeing trips ever.

There is a definate time to fear God, but there is most definatly a time to just trust and hang on.

I felt as though He showered us with rain, and winds, and all the excitement that he did, for as much His enjoyment as ours.

I know that with every yell he smiled in only a way that God could.

I love what he does for me.

This Time of Year

You know, I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent woman. Although most of my education for life came from the streets, it has taught me some of the worst things and at the same time some of the best.
It's has taught me that being a single mom didn't mean you had to be mistreated by a man, or anyone for that matter, in order to put food on the table. I have done it all! Everything from center stage stripper, to plumber, make-up artist, even ran an art gallery for a while in Texas. It's put the brain into motion.
While all the good times have taught me how to love, love also taught me how to hate, and God is teaching me that I'm all wrong. Because in the end it's the hate that seems to make us love again.
There's something crazy about this time of year for me. My oldest son's birthday is July 9, and he'll be 17 by the way. Shortly after his 1st birthday my dad took him away as one last slap in the face. Every birthday after that for the past 16 years has been the hardest times of my life. He was my first child, my son, the day of his birth he made me a mother. I've never experienced love so deep. The next birthday he was gone and I've never hated more. But with the much wanted, constant interruptions from God, I am also learning what it means to love "everyone."
I lift a burden off of my shoulders by forgiving. My heart spills out with prayers for my enemies. I don't wish horrible lives on anyone. As cruel, and selfish as I have been in my time, I understand what it is to be the enemy. How some people have been able to forgive me is beyond belief. The fact that they have, is a true blessing.
So Joshua, Allow me to wish you a very happy 17Th birthday. I know you are tall and handsome, and most likely mean as a snake. But I love you as much today as the first time I held you in my arms.

Happy Birthday Zachary

Happy Birthday to my youngest son! I thought about you first thing this morning, realizing that today I was the mom of three teenagers. Then sending you a birthday wish of everything your heart desires. I sit back and think about the short time I did have you and about the day we were able to meet. It was amazing to see that you look just like me. How could you not have known I was your mom when you saw my picture. I sat today at work wondering how to send an I love you your way. So as I sit here blogging, hoping you stumble across, I wish you a happy birthday and many many more to come.

I will forever have your sweet smile, and gorgeous blue eyes embedded in my heart.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

Things have been going pretty good for me here lately. I have my moments of pure depression, but Extreme Emotions seems to be the best fitting name for a bipolar chick with a lot on her plate.
My daughter finally got out of jail and put into long term placement. God truly loves us and had His hand into where she went. It is kinda far away, but I know she will be able to find herself there if she so desires. It is almost 1000 acres. Wilderness therapy. As an adult I know that always works best for me. The one place I can let go of all the hectic every day life and listen to God without any interruptions. It has been a while since my last trip, and I thank God I am without transportation right now because I have had such a desire to go back across country to Winchester Bay Oregon. I stayed there on the coast for 4 months in a tent and with the smile on my face you would have thought I was doing without nothing.
Next Sunday I will finally be baptized! I hate that my daughter won't be there to see it but God has better reasons for doing it this way than I could ever imagine. I am so thankful I was able to take part in Tres Dias. I found a love there that was embedded in my soul.

Getting Really Sick of Life

YOU KNOW I BELIEVE SO MUCH IN GOD, AND REASONS FOR GOING THROUGH WHAT WE DO. BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHY A GOD SO FULL OF LOVE WOULD MAKE SOMEONE WHO IS ALSO SO FULL OF LOVE GO THROUGH LIFE SO DAMN LONELY. THERE IS NO BIOLOGICAL FAMILY FOR ME TO CALL MY OWN AND THERE IS NO FAMILY I HAVE MADE FOR MYSELF. DON'T GET ME WRONG I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED BUT IT ALWAYS LEEDS TO MY FAILURE. I HAD THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ONLY TO LOOSE THE LAST ONE THIS FRIDAY. I ALMOST JUST WANT TO GIVE UP ON EVER BEING ABLE TO BE HAPPY ON THIS STUPID PLANET.

I SWEAR THE MORE YOU LOVE, THE MORE YOU CARE, AND THE MORE YOU HOLD ONTO HOPE THE MORE YOU ARE LET DOWN.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOCATE MY FAMILY VIA THE INTERNET ONLY TO FIND THAT I AM NOT LISTED AS A REALITIVE. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE... TO THEM I DON'T EVEN EXIST. I THOUGHT THAT AS I GOT OLDER THE NEED AND WANT FOR A MOM AND DAD WOULD SOMEHOW VANISH, INSTEAD IT GROWS STRONGER AND THE REJECTION HITS HARDER.

I'VE NEVER HAD A DESIRE TO BE RICH OR FAMOUS, JUST TO BE PART OF A FAMILY SOMEWHERE. I HAVE TRAVELED, LITTERALLY, ACROSS THE UNITED STATES AND BACK AGAIN LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO CALL HOME, NEVER FINDING "IT" AND ALWAYS COMING BACK TO GEORGIA. UNFORTUNATLY IT IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE THE PLACE GOD KEEPS BRINGING ME BACK TO FOR MY PUNISHMENT.

I WENT TO THE CEMETARY AFTER WORK TODAY, YOU DON'T STAND OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB CRYING THERE. I SAT IN FRONT OF A HEAD STONE AND READ "BELOVED WIFE, MOTHER AND NANA," FOR A SECOND I SAW MINE AND IT SAID "PAID FOR BY THE COUNTY!"

SIGNED,

EXTREMLY HURT

Ta-Da..... Here she is Extreme Emotions!!!

MY DEFINITION OF LOVE...

Love is knowing the feeling is real, without having to ask.....

Love is breaking down the walls of one person, and building them back up around an entire family....

Love is protection you feel at night when you close your eyes, and that sweet feeling of sharing the next day together....

Love is understanding fault, and working through it without critisizing....


Love is missing him in the morning before he leaves for work, and getting so excited in the afternoon knowing he will be home soon....

Love is putting ones wishes above your own, because alone, you long for someone to wish with....

Love is remaining strong, when the other just can't be....

Love is not only knowing the true meaning of the word, but knowing how much of it you have....

Love is finding the ONE God sent, and enjoying a natural rythm, that only He can give to each of His pairs....

Love is a true gift from above, it is something to hold on to and cherish, it requires patience, forgiveness, loyalty, and true friendship. It is also believing in yourself, and knowing that you deserve your partner and they deserve you. Together you make a beautiful team, able to face any battle, because in the end, win or loose, you faught the fight TOGETHER....

WHAT TO DO???

I'm sure at one point and time we have all been told, "you were at the wrong place at the right time!"
How in the hell do you deal with being at exactly the right place, but at the wrong time?
Because I know without a shadow of a doubt, I am in the absotute right place, at the worst time possible. How do you hang in there and wait.....? I have little patience, but know the more I practice being patient, the better things will turn out.
In every moment of my life I have always been able to say exactly what was on my mind, but now I find myself not able to say a word. When I talk to others about this hush hush topic, they see exactly where I am coming from and are rooting for me just as much as I am for myself. Everyone however has a different opinion on how I should handle things, and also on what way someone else might be thinking.
I wish I was a mind reader, it would make it much easier to know exactly how I should handle this situation.
Unfortunatly I'm not though, and sit on my hands, as well as bitting my tongue, just praying that God will let me know how to deal with something he has put right in front of me.
HELP.....

Blessings

I thought that as I got closer to God somehow my broken heart would be completly mended. Well that's not exactly how it turns out. Yes, the scars created not only by others, but myself as well, from years and years ago turned into forgiveness, and extra prayers for my enemies.
Regret that ate at me from the inside out turned into life lessons that I learn and teach from. Hearts that I mangled on purpose, just because I hated happy, are being repaired all the time with a simple "I'm Sorry." The worry that was weighing me down, heavier, and heavier everyday, seemed to turn into just a few seconds of thought, every now and again. And faith, I have way more than a tiny little mustard seed, I have bushel baskets baby!!! Thank God for His gifts to us.
See, I have traveled a winding road, most of my life. Always looking for home, always looking for me, and getting myself into situations I would have never imagined being in. Forever feeling so alone, so abandoned, blah blah blah....
And no matter how "out of my mind " I would get, I always knew God was there, ashamed most of the time, I would still turn to the sky in the middle of the night and way into the heavens I would start shouting. "Why do You care? Why do you keep protecting me? You took me away from the family I was born to, took away my children from me, If I can't be a daughter or a mother, and I constanty spit on all your creation, what could possibly be the reason You persist on keeping me here?
Seems to turn out I love it down here!!! And heartache, yea I still get them but they are my heart hurting for others. That kind, feels right. All my trust, all my hope and all my faith are in my God above. He never left my side no matter how much I begged, and I'm so thankful for that. I would have missed out on camping trips, canoeing down beautiful rivers, being part of a beautiful church group, I could never leave Lifepoint... I would have missed out on being able to spread the love God gave to me to so many others who need it just as much as I do.
Just remember to smile at everyone you pass, hold a door open for someone, just say hello to someone whom you've never spoken to , you don't know what kind of day someone has been having and you might be the one God wants to make them feel better. Be thankful even if it is tuff, and GIVE IT TO GOD, He asked for it, and He can handle it.
Yep, I'm very happy!!!! And it just keeps getting better

Temporary Mom Forever God

I have 3 children who can now almost be considered adults. Either way it doesn't change the way a mother feels. To me they will always need protecting no matter how old they get. It is really hard for me to "let go and let God." I can admit that they do not belong to me, but to Him, and no matter how much I love them He loves them more.

My middle child which is my daughter is headed down a path that I myself have not only walked down but had her tagging along. I tried to find comfort in the way I was raising he by believing that if she had food, had clothes, a roof over her head, and my "physco" protection she had so much, and would grow to be a beautiful, strong, and independent woman.

She is all of those things and more, oh did I mention 14!!! The more I try to protect her the more she rebels. I have been involved with the schools, police, and now the court system more in these past months than I have in my 34 years on the planet. I try to kiss her she turns away, I try to be a loving mother and she denies me.

Today I went to court yet again to watch my daughter and her "attorney" address the judge ,without any input from me, about her being put in charge of her own life. I can't stand man's laws, they are never focused around the same principles that my Savior's laws are......LOVE..........

They will never care for her the way I do, and I have to now really focus on "LETTING GOD!"

Heavy Hearted

I seem to wear my feelings on my sleeve. So I figured I could start a blog to release some of the burden, maybe then I won't be so ready to explode...

Can't Do It Alone

What a terrible place I dwell in;
confined is such fleshly sin.

As my soul cries out during the night;
my mind still carries me to things not right.

God I pray to take me from here, DEATH, what a joy;
it's life that I fear.

I've tried, and I've tried to give it my all;
yet the taller I stand, truly the harder I fall.

So tonight Dear Lord, as you lay me down for rest;
I'll face another tomorrow, and give it my best.

Wake me in the morning, sun in my face;
for I continue to survive, through only Your sweet grace!!!!