Happy Birthday Zachary

Happy Birthday to my youngest son! I thought about you first thing this morning, realizing that today I was the mom of three teenagers. Then sending you a birthday wish of everything your heart desires. I sit back and think about the short time I did have you and about the day we were able to meet. It was amazing to see that you look just like me. How could you not have known I was your mom when you saw my picture. I sat today at work wondering how to send an I love you your way. So as I sit here blogging, hoping you stumble across, I wish you a happy birthday and many many more to come.

I will forever have your sweet smile, and gorgeous blue eyes embedded in my heart.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

Things have been going pretty good for me here lately. I have my moments of pure depression, but Extreme Emotions seems to be the best fitting name for a bipolar chick with a lot on her plate.
My daughter finally got out of jail and put into long term placement. God truly loves us and had His hand into where she went. It is kinda far away, but I know she will be able to find herself there if she so desires. It is almost 1000 acres. Wilderness therapy. As an adult I know that always works best for me. The one place I can let go of all the hectic every day life and listen to God without any interruptions. It has been a while since my last trip, and I thank God I am without transportation right now because I have had such a desire to go back across country to Winchester Bay Oregon. I stayed there on the coast for 4 months in a tent and with the smile on my face you would have thought I was doing without nothing.
Next Sunday I will finally be baptized! I hate that my daughter won't be there to see it but God has better reasons for doing it this way than I could ever imagine. I am so thankful I was able to take part in Tres Dias. I found a love there that was embedded in my soul.

Getting Really Sick of Life

YOU KNOW I BELIEVE SO MUCH IN GOD, AND REASONS FOR GOING THROUGH WHAT WE DO. BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHY A GOD SO FULL OF LOVE WOULD MAKE SOMEONE WHO IS ALSO SO FULL OF LOVE GO THROUGH LIFE SO DAMN LONELY. THERE IS NO BIOLOGICAL FAMILY FOR ME TO CALL MY OWN AND THERE IS NO FAMILY I HAVE MADE FOR MYSELF. DON'T GET ME WRONG I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED BUT IT ALWAYS LEEDS TO MY FAILURE. I HAD THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ONLY TO LOOSE THE LAST ONE THIS FRIDAY. I ALMOST JUST WANT TO GIVE UP ON EVER BEING ABLE TO BE HAPPY ON THIS STUPID PLANET.

I SWEAR THE MORE YOU LOVE, THE MORE YOU CARE, AND THE MORE YOU HOLD ONTO HOPE THE MORE YOU ARE LET DOWN.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOCATE MY FAMILY VIA THE INTERNET ONLY TO FIND THAT I AM NOT LISTED AS A REALITIVE. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE... TO THEM I DON'T EVEN EXIST. I THOUGHT THAT AS I GOT OLDER THE NEED AND WANT FOR A MOM AND DAD WOULD SOMEHOW VANISH, INSTEAD IT GROWS STRONGER AND THE REJECTION HITS HARDER.

I'VE NEVER HAD A DESIRE TO BE RICH OR FAMOUS, JUST TO BE PART OF A FAMILY SOMEWHERE. I HAVE TRAVELED, LITTERALLY, ACROSS THE UNITED STATES AND BACK AGAIN LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO CALL HOME, NEVER FINDING "IT" AND ALWAYS COMING BACK TO GEORGIA. UNFORTUNATLY IT IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE THE PLACE GOD KEEPS BRINGING ME BACK TO FOR MY PUNISHMENT.

I WENT TO THE CEMETARY AFTER WORK TODAY, YOU DON'T STAND OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB CRYING THERE. I SAT IN FRONT OF A HEAD STONE AND READ "BELOVED WIFE, MOTHER AND NANA," FOR A SECOND I SAW MINE AND IT SAID "PAID FOR BY THE COUNTY!"

SIGNED,

EXTREMLY HURT

Ta-Da..... Here she is Extreme Emotions!!!