we tend to see the wind as nothing more than what blows through the trees...

Lightening as mear flashes across a dark sky...

And the roar of thunder only as a sound left behind.

When you add these ingrediants to a canoeing trip, and four crazy inlaws, you may discover an excitement

that only God could provide.

I decided to take a walk around town last Saturday, first to the park, where I had a beer and a cigarette.

Then to my best friends house, who happens to be my ex-mother-in-law.....

We had been experiencing scatterd thunderstormes and showers all week, but this day would be memorable.

Despite the storms in front of our face and the warnings on the radio we headed out anyway.

On the way to our drop-off spot we went through some pretty heavy down-poors, as well as some really clear

skies.

Canoes in the water, we headed down river. Enjoying the chance to get out like we so love to do, we were all giggles and the occasional redneck, yell out!

We made our jokes as the music was constantly inturrupted by the emergancy brodcast system, warning all dumb asses out on the river should head to shelter NOW.

Instead of panic, excitement hit in, along with a couple shots of adreniline.

As we fought against a wind trying to push us back up river, We smiled and youuuuu hooooed down a little further.

The sky grew darker and darker, and we faught even harder, with the rain on our faces, light flashing all around, and the extreme vibrations of the following thunder we strapped on for our 8 seconds of God's given rodeo.

One of my best canoeing trips ever.

There is a definate time to fear God, but there is most definatly a time to just trust and hang on.

I felt as though He showered us with rain, and winds, and all the excitement that he did, for as much His enjoyment as ours.

I know that with every yell he smiled in only a way that God could.

I love what he does for me.

This Time of Year

You know, I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent woman. Although most of my education for life came from the streets, it has taught me some of the worst things and at the same time some of the best.
It's has taught me that being a single mom didn't mean you had to be mistreated by a man, or anyone for that matter, in order to put food on the table. I have done it all! Everything from center stage stripper, to plumber, make-up artist, even ran an art gallery for a while in Texas. It's put the brain into motion.
While all the good times have taught me how to love, love also taught me how to hate, and God is teaching me that I'm all wrong. Because in the end it's the hate that seems to make us love again.
There's something crazy about this time of year for me. My oldest son's birthday is July 9, and he'll be 17 by the way. Shortly after his 1st birthday my dad took him away as one last slap in the face. Every birthday after that for the past 16 years has been the hardest times of my life. He was my first child, my son, the day of his birth he made me a mother. I've never experienced love so deep. The next birthday he was gone and I've never hated more. But with the much wanted, constant interruptions from God, I am also learning what it means to love "everyone."
I lift a burden off of my shoulders by forgiving. My heart spills out with prayers for my enemies. I don't wish horrible lives on anyone. As cruel, and selfish as I have been in my time, I understand what it is to be the enemy. How some people have been able to forgive me is beyond belief. The fact that they have, is a true blessing.
So Joshua, Allow me to wish you a very happy 17Th birthday. I know you are tall and handsome, and most likely mean as a snake. But I love you as much today as the first time I held you in my arms.

Happy Birthday Zachary

Happy Birthday to my youngest son! I thought about you first thing this morning, realizing that today I was the mom of three teenagers. Then sending you a birthday wish of everything your heart desires. I sit back and think about the short time I did have you and about the day we were able to meet. It was amazing to see that you look just like me. How could you not have known I was your mom when you saw my picture. I sat today at work wondering how to send an I love you your way. So as I sit here blogging, hoping you stumble across, I wish you a happy birthday and many many more to come.

I will forever have your sweet smile, and gorgeous blue eyes embedded in my heart.
I LOVE YOU ALWAYS!

Things have been going pretty good for me here lately. I have my moments of pure depression, but Extreme Emotions seems to be the best fitting name for a bipolar chick with a lot on her plate.
My daughter finally got out of jail and put into long term placement. God truly loves us and had His hand into where she went. It is kinda far away, but I know she will be able to find herself there if she so desires. It is almost 1000 acres. Wilderness therapy. As an adult I know that always works best for me. The one place I can let go of all the hectic every day life and listen to God without any interruptions. It has been a while since my last trip, and I thank God I am without transportation right now because I have had such a desire to go back across country to Winchester Bay Oregon. I stayed there on the coast for 4 months in a tent and with the smile on my face you would have thought I was doing without nothing.
Next Sunday I will finally be baptized! I hate that my daughter won't be there to see it but God has better reasons for doing it this way than I could ever imagine. I am so thankful I was able to take part in Tres Dias. I found a love there that was embedded in my soul.

Getting Really Sick of Life

YOU KNOW I BELIEVE SO MUCH IN GOD, AND REASONS FOR GOING THROUGH WHAT WE DO. BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT WHY A GOD SO FULL OF LOVE WOULD MAKE SOMEONE WHO IS ALSO SO FULL OF LOVE GO THROUGH LIFE SO DAMN LONELY. THERE IS NO BIOLOGICAL FAMILY FOR ME TO CALL MY OWN AND THERE IS NO FAMILY I HAVE MADE FOR MYSELF. DON'T GET ME WRONG I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED BUT IT ALWAYS LEEDS TO MY FAILURE. I HAD THREE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN ONLY TO LOOSE THE LAST ONE THIS FRIDAY. I ALMOST JUST WANT TO GIVE UP ON EVER BEING ABLE TO BE HAPPY ON THIS STUPID PLANET.

I SWEAR THE MORE YOU LOVE, THE MORE YOU CARE, AND THE MORE YOU HOLD ONTO HOPE THE MORE YOU ARE LET DOWN.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO LOCATE MY FAMILY VIA THE INTERNET ONLY TO FIND THAT I AM NOT LISTED AS A REALITIVE. WHAT A SLAP IN THE FACE... TO THEM I DON'T EVEN EXIST. I THOUGHT THAT AS I GOT OLDER THE NEED AND WANT FOR A MOM AND DAD WOULD SOMEHOW VANISH, INSTEAD IT GROWS STRONGER AND THE REJECTION HITS HARDER.

I'VE NEVER HAD A DESIRE TO BE RICH OR FAMOUS, JUST TO BE PART OF A FAMILY SOMEWHERE. I HAVE TRAVELED, LITTERALLY, ACROSS THE UNITED STATES AND BACK AGAIN LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO CALL HOME, NEVER FINDING "IT" AND ALWAYS COMING BACK TO GEORGIA. UNFORTUNATLY IT IS STARTING TO FEEL LIKE THE PLACE GOD KEEPS BRINGING ME BACK TO FOR MY PUNISHMENT.

I WENT TO THE CEMETARY AFTER WORK TODAY, YOU DON'T STAND OUT LIKE A SORE THUMB CRYING THERE. I SAT IN FRONT OF A HEAD STONE AND READ "BELOVED WIFE, MOTHER AND NANA," FOR A SECOND I SAW MINE AND IT SAID "PAID FOR BY THE COUNTY!"

SIGNED,

EXTREMLY HURT

Ta-Da..... Here she is Extreme Emotions!!!

MY DEFINITION OF LOVE...

Love is knowing the feeling is real, without having to ask.....

Love is breaking down the walls of one person, and building them back up around an entire family....

Love is protection you feel at night when you close your eyes, and that sweet feeling of sharing the next day together....

Love is understanding fault, and working through it without critisizing....


Love is missing him in the morning before he leaves for work, and getting so excited in the afternoon knowing he will be home soon....

Love is putting ones wishes above your own, because alone, you long for someone to wish with....

Love is remaining strong, when the other just can't be....

Love is not only knowing the true meaning of the word, but knowing how much of it you have....

Love is finding the ONE God sent, and enjoying a natural rythm, that only He can give to each of His pairs....

Love is a true gift from above, it is something to hold on to and cherish, it requires patience, forgiveness, loyalty, and true friendship. It is also believing in yourself, and knowing that you deserve your partner and they deserve you. Together you make a beautiful team, able to face any battle, because in the end, win or loose, you faught the fight TOGETHER....